Since the moment I knew I was having a baby girl, I wanted her to be strong and confident and brimming with the self-esteem that eluded me as a girl. (Do mothers of sons have these thoughts, or do we naturally assume boys are born with loads of self-esteem?) I still struggle with maintaining confidence in who I am or what I do. Feeling “not enough” is one of my gremlins.
So how do I teach my daughter what I never learned? And what exactly is self-esteem?
One dictionary offered two contradictory definitions:
self-es•teem (noun)
1. A realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
2. An unduly high opinion of oneself; vanity
Those who follow the second definition equate self-esteem with conceit (ridiculous, isn’t it?) and therefore tend to see it as a bad thing. They use phrases like “having a big head” or “getting too big for your britches.” Sadly, these parents usually have low opinions of themselves because they too were raised that way.
Self-esteem develops from birth and continues to be cemented through age 10. Constant criticism is a primary factor in kids with low self-esteem. So my husband and I aim for being supportive, offering praise, introducing options and allowing mistakes. We remind Sofie that she can do anything she wants and that we love her exactly as she is.
Is this enough?
While my daughter does slip into my perfectionistic tendencies (“Why can’t my drawing be as good as hers?”), she generally appears confident and sure of herself. She offers her thoughts and opinions in school without hesitation. She makes grand plans around one day being a famous artist or writer or cowgirl. She creates drawings like this that amaze me.
“Many Ways to Discover Yourself” by Sofie DeForbes, age 6
Although she is only six, Sofie asked us one day if her legs were too skinny… and I worry about where that body-image thought came from. Television? Older girls at school? Some subconscious message from me? Sadly, it makes me realize the tween years of self-criticism and second-guessing are fast-approaching.
I hope that raising her with a strong foundation will help. As Sofie grows, I can continue to model confident behavior (leaving a secure job to start a business; dancing publicly in a flash mob) and to seek out friendships that epitomize that. Perhaps this is how I draw to me women who are feminists, primary breadwinners, entrepreneurs and holders of PhDs and leadership positions.
I also aim to introduce Sofie to pop culture products that offer positive female messages. She has exchanged Disney princesses for the bold, not-afraid-to-get-messy Judy Moody. For Christmas she received a “girl power” T-shirt of female superheroes. And she’s developed an interest in Jane Goodall and all things chimp-related. (I look forward to showing her the movie Whale Rider when she’s older.)
Regarding media, I was recently introduced to BYOU Magazine (for ages 8-14), which will be a great gift in a few years. This is their mission:
BYOU ‘Be Your Own You!’ Magazine is the premier provider of positive self-esteem messaging for “tween” girls, with the mission to empower them to become a positive force in tomorrow’s world. We feature stories and information on current topics and challenges girls face today (such as bullying, body image, and friendships), positive self-affirming messaging, and popular teen/tween celebrities who are positive role models and making a difference in the world.
I read a sample issue (even saw Sofie flipping through it), and it featured stories about teenage entrepreneurs, girls facing fears and dealing with “mean girls” at school. The magazine profiles both teen celebrities and BYOU readers who share what they’re good at, how they overcome obstacles and how they plan to change the world.
While I lingered over the star-studded pages of Teen Beat as a girl, as a mother I’d much prefer Sofie to be engrossed in magazines like BYOU. The message “Be your own you” is an excellent mantra, I think, for mother and daughter alike.
Looks like a great magazine for girls. I hope they put girls on the cover sometimes who do not have typical model looks. As a mother of boys, I don’t worry so much about self esteem-I worry about them being emotionally constipated like most males in our culture! I try to talk about emotions a lot and make sure I validate theirs. I also make a point of calling it out if I hear messages from others around them to the effect that crying is not OK, etc. I do worry about how girls are portrayed in the media, though, as a woman, a women’s health care provider, AND also as a mom to boys. I don’t want my boys growing up believing there is only one kind of beautiful and that the girls most important attributes are their looks. I saw the film Miss Representation at his school and it was sobering indeed.
You make a good point about the magazine cover, Camille. And I like that phrase, “emotionally constipated.” I suppose there are things to worry about with both genders. I’ll have to take a look at that film you mentioned.
I appreciate your sage insight on the subject - I often think about how to ensure our daughter is strong and confident as she grows older. I taught middle school history for many years, and I recall noticing the boys raising their hands and answering a question assertively - and many girls raising their hands meekly, always beginning with, “I’m not sure if this is right but…” I’d always say, “have confidence! That’s a strong answer!” I love your advise on choosing positive images from pop culture. I’m considering eschewing TV and some forms of pop culture until our littlest is old enough to discuss it all - fingers crossed!
Thanks, Jesse, for your teacher’s insight. My daughter is assertive like that now, but I do know girls tend to fall into that meekness as they grow older. Good for you for eschewing TV! I had visions of that when Sofie was born, but was not able to make it happen.