My sister gave birth to her second child a few days ago, and it’s brought a bout of baby fever into our household. My niece Maia reminds me of fresh beginnings and the free fall of new motherly love.
Having a second child is a subject I’ve reawakened since turning 39. For a while, my husband and I were certain that our darling Sofie was all we wanted. Our family of three felt complete and still afforded us downtime and energy for personal pursuits.
We worried briefly about Sofie being an only child, but research reassured us that only child stereotypes were just that. In actuality, only children tend to have higher IQs, as well as higher levels of achievement and self-esteem due, largely, to the lavishing of parental time and attention.
According to Dr. Susan Newman, social psychologist and author of Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only, the one-child household has outnumbered two-children families for over a decade and is “the fastest growing family unit.” The reasons range from economics to women focusing on their careers before having children. In many countries, having one child has become the more practical option, and its stigma is lessening.
Yet the idea of a second child keeps creeping into my thoughts. On the verge of 40, I know the window is closing and I’ve got to make up my mind before the decision is made for me.
Seeing Sofie grow so much this past year—she matured to new heights while we were in Italy—makes me confront the slipperiness of time. I love my daughter at this age where she’s independent but still totally in love with her parents and full of animated joy. However, before I know it, Sofie will be a moody preteen shutting me out of her life, and how will I possibly survive that? The thought makes me yearn for those adorable toddler years again.
Is it my hormones talking? Or am I longing for a second child to help brace me for the inevitable pulling away of the first?
Sofie has a horse in the game as well. She’s been campaigning for a little brother or sister (brother has the lead since her two best friends have one). I’ve never subscribed to the concept of having a second child merely for the sake of providing a sibling. I know too many siblings who don’t get along or take a backseat to friends. And Sofie already has many friends. I do not worry about her growing up lonely.
My nieces Kat and Maia.
What I do worry about is: potential health problems; not having enough energy; having twins (!); gaining all that weight again; money; post-partum depression; taking time and attention away from Sofie; not having time to write; giving birth; money; finding out that Sofie was actually an easy baby; childcare arguments with my husband; loss of freedom.
On the other hand, I can also imagine: the joy of new life; seeing another genetic combination from my husband and me; the possibility of a little boy; Sofie as a big sister; the breastfeeding bond; choosing a name; that rush of boundless, unconditional love; being more relaxed this time; more inspiration and stories for my writing; buying the latest eco-baby gear; watching my children interact and grow together.
Most parents I know admit that going from one child to two is like going from one to four (some have even said seven). They marvel at the sheer exhaustion and lack of time. They say this with tired eyes, yet their faces are beaming as if they wouldn’t trade their new, fuller family for the world.
I envy that joy. But am I prepared to give up our balanced trio? To trade in the relative calm for unknown chaos? Three is very comfortable. And Sofie is very adaptable. We can travel. We can leave her with a friend and go on a date. We can get a dog—Sofie’s back-up option to a brother. Ecologically speaking, one child puts less strain on the resources of an overpopulated planet. Still, I’m on the fence.
In August, we plan to visit my sister’s family. Maia will be two months old, and I’ll get a taste of life with a newborn and a young child. I look forward to spending time with them and seeing Sofie play with her three-year-old cousin. I’m also hoping the trip provides a burst of clarity on whether a second child is right for our family.
I want the answer to strike me with conviction, and I want no regrets. Is that too much to ask?
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I, too, struggle with having another. To be honest, I am plagued with wanting a bolt of lightning to strike me with clarity. It has yet to arrive.
I have two and my debate is whether to go for a third. We have that same balance that you speak of and I love how perfect it feels for us. To answer your concerns - you can still do everything you were able to with one (at least we found we were able to). Logistically it didn’t change anything, although our son’s sleeping was difficult for months, so that kicked our asses.
I just have this niggling feeling to go for a third…but does every itch need to be scratched? I just wish I had that “aha” moment where I just KNEW what we should do.
I read someone’s comment on a forum about that itch and she said that she believes that it may only be down the road that she realizes she was done and that coming to that decision did not have this clear finality but was rather an evolution where she realized she’d decided along the way that she was done.
So who knows? Maybe we will feel months down the road that we’re ready to go for it again and take that leap that so many never regret. Or maybe we’ll come to a place where we are so happy with our “little” family that nothing is missing for us or our children.
Thank you, Estelle, for sharing. Since writing this post, we have decided to try for a second child. We just warmed up to the idea since my 2nd niece was born, and it seemed to feel right (despite plenty of uncertainty about money, our age, etc.) Since we’ve been trying, I still have days where I change my mind and think that just one is perfect. So even now I’m not 100% all the time. But I guess we move forward with what feels right in the moment. No lightning bolts.
As an only child I thought I could give some perspective to this topic. Choosing how many children to have is totally personal and I’m sure you will make the best decision for your family! As an adult I understand a lot of the reasons why my parents chose to have one child, and I appreciate what they were able to give me by only having me-the best schools, lots of attention, tons of activities, international moves and sending me on school trips to places like morocco and Switzerland—something they probably wouldn’t have been able to afford had they had more kids. However, I was at times lonely…family trips would sometimes be boring without another kid around, I missed and yearned for siblings, I hate hearing the the only child stereotypes (which totally aren’t true! I shared way better than some of my friends!) and now that I’m older I worry about what will happen if my parents get old and sick, what about when they pass away? That sorrow and responsibility lies solely with me…and that’s a lot to think about…ultimately I chose to have more than one child because I wanted to give my children what I didn’t have, a loud, never dull family. But, that being said, a fam of three can be just as loving and boisterous as a fam of four or more! It’s just what you feel is best for you all! Good luck with the decision!!
Thank you, Cristy, for sharing your personal experience. There really are pros and cons to both options. I’d just like to finally come to a decision and feel good about it!